Post by paul on Jun 17, 2009 21:56:40 GMT
Dads V Lads Match Report, Dads 7 – 7 U11's Newport Lions
Jo sketched some notes for this one (8 pages) as she stood with the rest of the partisan crowd cheering on the Lions as they, and the Arsenne Wenger of a ref (he didn't see it!!) watched what was a truly a awesome display of buffoonery from the Dad's and class football from the boys:
So, from the kick off the dads new we'd be up against it – you've heard people say that the opposition had 12 on their side with the ref, a saying which would be totally unfair on this occasion as the Lions started with 14 including Darren manager in goal!!
At the kick off Darren Manager launched into Alonso mode and immediately tried to lob “Fred Flintstone”, the dad's Guinness fuelled goalie, but on this occasion Gerry "Dark Horse" Cunningham, the boy from the Cork and Kerry mountains leapt high as a mountain goat and put his bright red Balesha beacon of head on the ball to save Fred's Blushes – top man.
Two minutes in and the first incident with the Ref – “where's me glasses Wesley” resulted in a booking for “Norvern Chris” and a subsequent free kick to the Lions – Up stepped Darren manager who, now in Beckham mode tried to lob Fred again from the half way line. What a shocker – it was a real “row Z effort” and only passing aeroplanes, hot air Balloon's and skylarks were worried.
The Dad's were settling in now, “Gooner Glen” Leech went a foot wide, and on another strident forward move the Lions dynamite boy, young “TNT” upended his old man, “Jaguar Jon” the dad's other forward, in what most of the dad's considered a vicious assault but unfortunately the Ronaldo style rolling that followed was noticed by the “Wags” who's high pitch catawailing resulted in the ref, “Wenger Wesley” taking no action.
The game was starting to go end to end – the Massed ranks of the Lions midfield comprising “Mighty Joe” Eva, Charlie Farley, “Big boy Bassy”, “Superfast Shayne”, “ave it Aiden” Oscar “Ossie Osborne” Freil, “The Poet, Dylan” and “Nine Live's” Nathan started to take control over the dad's midfield of “Bone Dome Britnell”, “Hot Toddy”, “Wonderboy Wayne”, “the real Darren Clarke” and “Norvern Chris” who were basically chasing shadows and worse was to come!
Firstly, the Lions came close as Nine live's attempt was stopped and the rebound was gathered by Lightening Lewis who's powerful shot had Fred Flintstone going down in instalments to hit the ground hard and gather the ball.
On this, one wise “wag” commented that the she felt an earthquake, Fred replied that he could make the earth move for her any time she liked, Wilma just laughed!!
Secondly, according to the watching wags “Bone Dome Britnell” apparently made a few, lets say “Rash” tackles and then felt the wrath of “Wenger Wesley” in the shape of a Red card following what most thought saw as a friendly Eric Morecambe style cheeky pat on the face incident – The Ref, Bone dome's No 1 son, now decided to put down his white stick and show the clubs new Health and safety officer who's in charge by laughing loudly and sending him off for violent conduct - Outrageous!!
So all this and we are only 12 minutes in. In the words of the stranglers “something better change” and down to 10 men the Dad's decided to step up a gear and the Lions defence of Jamie “Tosh” Latarche, Alex “TNT” Tucker, the poet Dylan and Scott “Bites yer Legs” leech were split by an intricate One two combination between “Norvern” and “Gooner Glen” Leech to be finished supremely by Norvern Chris in the top corner.
12 mins and 1-0 to the dads and not 3 minutes later Norvern did it again with a deft lob over the back peddling Darren manager to put the dad's 2-0 up.
Into the 19th minute and lightening Lewis, like he has done all season sweetly executed his chance and put the Lions back in it at 2-1, and as if that wasn't enough 4 mins later Nine live's sweet free kick came off “Mitch the magnificent”s heed to go over the keepers hands and into the back of the net to make it 2-2.
The game, and the weather was hotting up now as the Dad's responded with a flurry of attacks, Hot Toddy, “Mitch the Magnificent”, “Gooner Glen” and “Jaguar Jon” all going close and forcing saves before the now re instated “Bone Dome” clattered the bar with a 25 yard cracker of a shot on 26 minutes, then following a cross from Glen, “Jaguar Jon” horsed it over the bar from a yard out.
Note - The dad's have signed him up for “Ladette to lady” - apparently it's a good finishing school!!.
The pressure was bound to tell eventually and this time, following another bird scaring effort from Darren manager the dad's got it down the lions end and Gooner Glen slotted it away with some aplomb to bring it to 3-2.
So, having asked the Ref what the time was in this game of two 30 minute halves the dad's found themselves in the 35th minute watching the Lions keeper, the “Stone Mason” Toft line up a penalty attempt after Lewis was allegedly held back by Mitch. In goal Fred steadied himself but the sheer speed of the weldie beat him (he didn't move – still in pain from the only other dive he did) as the ball bulged the back of the net to make it 3-3 and signal half time.
3-3 at Half time and what a relief on such a warm day, Fred Flintstone layed (flopped) on the deck and savoured a cold beer while “Hot Toddy” went one better - he had a beer and lit up a f*g!
Gerry “Dark Horse” Cunningham got the second layer of sun tan emulsion on and Bone dome got the Brasso out and polished his shiny heed - the rest of the team just had a welcome break.
The Lions on the other hand were barely sweating and could be seen engrossed in there team talk plotting and conniving to do us dad's over – how will the second half go- read on people:
The Dad's had a change about – in defence we had “double ard Roger” a very young and very effective 61 and on the other side was “Kelly's hero Latarche” the father of Tosh and in midfield enter the “Far out Friel” he of the he of the 90's Manchester Sound which allowed “Dark Horse” to drift forward and just 3 minutes after the whistle he smashed in a 30 yarder to make it 4-3 to the dad's.
The lions now resorted to Dodgy practices and the cheeky chappy that is “Ave it Aiden” dobbed in Norvern Chris for a tackle and promptly got him sent off!! Aidens face was a picture!!(so was Chris's)
Back down to 10 men then and the Lions prolific Scorer Scottie “the Hottie” Howkins had a chance go just wide, and to add to the dad's problems Darren manager had relinquished his goal keeper post to Mason and was outfield now.
Interestingly it was just after this the the real Darren Clarke made a run down the left after asking which way he was meant to go (he don't play footy much) only for "the stone Mason" to save well and then Dark Horse and Gooner combined beautifully to bring the score to 5-3 to the dads.
The boys heads started to drop and the dad's being kind and compassionate souls took no notice whatsoever and poured salt into the wounds with some tremendous play from Hot toddy and the real Darren Clarke that resulted in well deserved goals from “Mitch the Magnificent” and “Jaguar Jon” to make it 7-3.
So, are the lions down? No they are not for as the song goes “Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun” (apologies to the youngsters – I guess not many of you are familiar with the works of Noel Coward) and so the lads set about the dad's.
Shayne literally got on Norvern's shoulders, Toddy saved a goal by trapping the ball between his legs and walking out off the penalty area at extreme personal danger to his manhood, while Bone dome stopped a certain goal by picking Scott "bites yer legs" leech up and using him to keep the ball out! (had to be seen to be believed – brilliant Kev).
Eventually the pressure told and Scottie the Hottie and Darren manager both put one in the onion sack to make it 7-5 before “Superfast Shayne” blasted in a corker of a goal from a rebound to make it 7-6. and the game was over – or was it?
Finally a lions goal of incredible skill, Mason started it by taking on Gerry, Tosh went round Jaguar Jon and passed to Mighty Joe who "merked" Wayne and Bill Friel before some intricate play with Nathan, Aiden and Bassy took out Norvern Chris and the real Darren Clarke before passing to the hottie who passed back to Charlie Farley and still they hadn't come passed the halfway line.
Now the ball was sprayed across the pitch by Charlie taking out Mitch and Kelly's hero on it's way to Shayne then onto TNT who trapped it before passing it neatly to Scotty Leech whose fabulous flick bypassed Double ard Roger and found the Poet Dylan unmarked, who with incredible foresight found Ossie Osborne Friel free and charging up into the box to knock it back for Mason, the man who started it all, to finish with a diving header.
What a dream goal – the likes of which will never be seen but one that took the score to an tremendous 7-7
Final score 7- 7
So that was it – great fun and great effort from all - including the WAG's and the start of a great fun day for the team.
Oh,and Wesley, well done for reffing mate and thanks very much n and as your a karate black belt you know I am only joking when I take the mickey above – please don't hurt me, after all I still ache from the game and that was 5 days ago!!
Cheers
Paul H
Blimey, that went on a bit!! - Roll on next season!!
Jo sketched some notes for this one (8 pages) as she stood with the rest of the partisan crowd cheering on the Lions as they, and the Arsenne Wenger of a ref (he didn't see it!!) watched what was a truly a awesome display of buffoonery from the Dad's and class football from the boys:
So, from the kick off the dads new we'd be up against it – you've heard people say that the opposition had 12 on their side with the ref, a saying which would be totally unfair on this occasion as the Lions started with 14 including Darren manager in goal!!
At the kick off Darren Manager launched into Alonso mode and immediately tried to lob “Fred Flintstone”, the dad's Guinness fuelled goalie, but on this occasion Gerry "Dark Horse" Cunningham, the boy from the Cork and Kerry mountains leapt high as a mountain goat and put his bright red Balesha beacon of head on the ball to save Fred's Blushes – top man.
Two minutes in and the first incident with the Ref – “where's me glasses Wesley” resulted in a booking for “Norvern Chris” and a subsequent free kick to the Lions – Up stepped Darren manager who, now in Beckham mode tried to lob Fred again from the half way line. What a shocker – it was a real “row Z effort” and only passing aeroplanes, hot air Balloon's and skylarks were worried.
The Dad's were settling in now, “Gooner Glen” Leech went a foot wide, and on another strident forward move the Lions dynamite boy, young “TNT” upended his old man, “Jaguar Jon” the dad's other forward, in what most of the dad's considered a vicious assault but unfortunately the Ronaldo style rolling that followed was noticed by the “Wags” who's high pitch catawailing resulted in the ref, “Wenger Wesley” taking no action.
The game was starting to go end to end – the Massed ranks of the Lions midfield comprising “Mighty Joe” Eva, Charlie Farley, “Big boy Bassy”, “Superfast Shayne”, “ave it Aiden” Oscar “Ossie Osborne” Freil, “The Poet, Dylan” and “Nine Live's” Nathan started to take control over the dad's midfield of “Bone Dome Britnell”, “Hot Toddy”, “Wonderboy Wayne”, “the real Darren Clarke” and “Norvern Chris” who were basically chasing shadows and worse was to come!
Firstly, the Lions came close as Nine live's attempt was stopped and the rebound was gathered by Lightening Lewis who's powerful shot had Fred Flintstone going down in instalments to hit the ground hard and gather the ball.
On this, one wise “wag” commented that the she felt an earthquake, Fred replied that he could make the earth move for her any time she liked, Wilma just laughed!!
Secondly, according to the watching wags “Bone Dome Britnell” apparently made a few, lets say “Rash” tackles and then felt the wrath of “Wenger Wesley” in the shape of a Red card following what most thought saw as a friendly Eric Morecambe style cheeky pat on the face incident – The Ref, Bone dome's No 1 son, now decided to put down his white stick and show the clubs new Health and safety officer who's in charge by laughing loudly and sending him off for violent conduct - Outrageous!!
So all this and we are only 12 minutes in. In the words of the stranglers “something better change” and down to 10 men the Dad's decided to step up a gear and the Lions defence of Jamie “Tosh” Latarche, Alex “TNT” Tucker, the poet Dylan and Scott “Bites yer Legs” leech were split by an intricate One two combination between “Norvern” and “Gooner Glen” Leech to be finished supremely by Norvern Chris in the top corner.
12 mins and 1-0 to the dads and not 3 minutes later Norvern did it again with a deft lob over the back peddling Darren manager to put the dad's 2-0 up.
Into the 19th minute and lightening Lewis, like he has done all season sweetly executed his chance and put the Lions back in it at 2-1, and as if that wasn't enough 4 mins later Nine live's sweet free kick came off “Mitch the magnificent”s heed to go over the keepers hands and into the back of the net to make it 2-2.
The game, and the weather was hotting up now as the Dad's responded with a flurry of attacks, Hot Toddy, “Mitch the Magnificent”, “Gooner Glen” and “Jaguar Jon” all going close and forcing saves before the now re instated “Bone Dome” clattered the bar with a 25 yard cracker of a shot on 26 minutes, then following a cross from Glen, “Jaguar Jon” horsed it over the bar from a yard out.
Note - The dad's have signed him up for “Ladette to lady” - apparently it's a good finishing school!!.
The pressure was bound to tell eventually and this time, following another bird scaring effort from Darren manager the dad's got it down the lions end and Gooner Glen slotted it away with some aplomb to bring it to 3-2.
So, having asked the Ref what the time was in this game of two 30 minute halves the dad's found themselves in the 35th minute watching the Lions keeper, the “Stone Mason” Toft line up a penalty attempt after Lewis was allegedly held back by Mitch. In goal Fred steadied himself but the sheer speed of the weldie beat him (he didn't move – still in pain from the only other dive he did) as the ball bulged the back of the net to make it 3-3 and signal half time.
3-3 at Half time and what a relief on such a warm day, Fred Flintstone layed (flopped) on the deck and savoured a cold beer while “Hot Toddy” went one better - he had a beer and lit up a f*g!
Gerry “Dark Horse” Cunningham got the second layer of sun tan emulsion on and Bone dome got the Brasso out and polished his shiny heed - the rest of the team just had a welcome break.
The Lions on the other hand were barely sweating and could be seen engrossed in there team talk plotting and conniving to do us dad's over – how will the second half go- read on people:
The Dad's had a change about – in defence we had “double ard Roger” a very young and very effective 61 and on the other side was “Kelly's hero Latarche” the father of Tosh and in midfield enter the “Far out Friel” he of the he of the 90's Manchester Sound which allowed “Dark Horse” to drift forward and just 3 minutes after the whistle he smashed in a 30 yarder to make it 4-3 to the dad's.
The lions now resorted to Dodgy practices and the cheeky chappy that is “Ave it Aiden” dobbed in Norvern Chris for a tackle and promptly got him sent off!! Aidens face was a picture!!(so was Chris's)
Back down to 10 men then and the Lions prolific Scorer Scottie “the Hottie” Howkins had a chance go just wide, and to add to the dad's problems Darren manager had relinquished his goal keeper post to Mason and was outfield now.
Interestingly it was just after this the the real Darren Clarke made a run down the left after asking which way he was meant to go (he don't play footy much) only for "the stone Mason" to save well and then Dark Horse and Gooner combined beautifully to bring the score to 5-3 to the dads.
The boys heads started to drop and the dad's being kind and compassionate souls took no notice whatsoever and poured salt into the wounds with some tremendous play from Hot toddy and the real Darren Clarke that resulted in well deserved goals from “Mitch the Magnificent” and “Jaguar Jon” to make it 7-3.
So, are the lions down? No they are not for as the song goes “Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun” (apologies to the youngsters – I guess not many of you are familiar with the works of Noel Coward) and so the lads set about the dad's.
Shayne literally got on Norvern's shoulders, Toddy saved a goal by trapping the ball between his legs and walking out off the penalty area at extreme personal danger to his manhood, while Bone dome stopped a certain goal by picking Scott "bites yer legs" leech up and using him to keep the ball out! (had to be seen to be believed – brilliant Kev).
Eventually the pressure told and Scottie the Hottie and Darren manager both put one in the onion sack to make it 7-5 before “Superfast Shayne” blasted in a corker of a goal from a rebound to make it 7-6. and the game was over – or was it?
Finally a lions goal of incredible skill, Mason started it by taking on Gerry, Tosh went round Jaguar Jon and passed to Mighty Joe who "merked" Wayne and Bill Friel before some intricate play with Nathan, Aiden and Bassy took out Norvern Chris and the real Darren Clarke before passing to the hottie who passed back to Charlie Farley and still they hadn't come passed the halfway line.
Now the ball was sprayed across the pitch by Charlie taking out Mitch and Kelly's hero on it's way to Shayne then onto TNT who trapped it before passing it neatly to Scotty Leech whose fabulous flick bypassed Double ard Roger and found the Poet Dylan unmarked, who with incredible foresight found Ossie Osborne Friel free and charging up into the box to knock it back for Mason, the man who started it all, to finish with a diving header.
What a dream goal – the likes of which will never be seen but one that took the score to an tremendous 7-7
Final score 7- 7
So that was it – great fun and great effort from all - including the WAG's and the start of a great fun day for the team.
Oh,and Wesley, well done for reffing mate and thanks very much n and as your a karate black belt you know I am only joking when I take the mickey above – please don't hurt me, after all I still ache from the game and that was 5 days ago!!
Cheers
Paul H
Blimey, that went on a bit!! - Roll on next season!!
And thereafter he was diving like a little broken weeble (yeah, he did fall down, lots). The procession of "Drogba's" trying to get me in more trouble as the half-time whistle went was brilliant, sorry, should have read outrageous. As I jogged off the field (yeah, right) so it was like the parting of the waves as the Lions dived all around me. 
Fortuntately the ref was making sure he looked good for any photos and didin't booked me for a 3rd time (a yellow and a red in one half was quite enough). Then in the 2nd half young "Mr Farley" then tried to take me out with a headbutt 
, allegedly going for a header, I don't think so! As noted above, "bites yer leg" jumped into my hands to make it look like I was holding him 
, well, I sort of was! Not to mention a few duffin's handed out by the "Mighty Joe" some shirt re-arranging from the "Big Oz", and "Tosh" attacking my arm with his nose, dur! Anyone feeling sorry for me yet 
? No, ok... moving on.